The feeling of unintentionally hurting a friend you respect beyond repair is pretty bitter, but more so when you realise you may never have had a friendship in the first place.
Sometimes, we really want to be friends with somebody, because we aspire to be like them, or we respect them for their strength, or find them inspiring. Or maybe just because they are friends of friends. Whatever the case, when you realise that this person was probably just tolerating your presence all along, it’s probably best to cut ties while things are on a good note, rather than try to repair an incompatibility.
PK has been having some major relationship issues. I thought that giving my testament as to how I never got along well with her husband would make her feel better after what happened between them, but it turned out this was the worst thing I could have done. Especially since he apparently apologised to me (something I have no recollection of).
We are no longer on speaking terms, and per her request, never will be again.
I am not going to contest this decision. I made a critical mistake and recognise that - no excuses, I’m going to suck this up and learn from it, so our interactions were at the very least valuable for me.
I did a lot of struggling to fit in in PMDE. Before I was an admin, I found my views conflicting with the general way things were done in the irc. PK and I had a few clashes, the current admins and I at the time had a few clashes. It was not a comfortable transition and I often felt like I was walking on thin ice. Even after obtaining admin position I was kind of thought of as the naive, inexperienced guy in the group who says the dumb stuff at dumb times. I tried really hard to prove that I could improve, even after PMDE finished.
That said, over the past few months I’ve noticed my contact with PK had been dropping off ever since PMDE’s closure. We would talk (relatively pleasantly) when I joined the IRC channel and she was there. Occasionally over skype. But PK pretty much never saught my company on her own accord, never showed any interest in what I was doing or asked how I was. I understand that she’s probably a very busy person and has a lot to juggle, but it made me realise that I’ve actually contributed very little as a ‘friend’. I would inquire on her wellbeing, offer to help where I could, or draw her gifts now and then, but thinking back, I don’t think my contributions were ever that convenient to her beyond minor timesavers. We’re quite different as people, we hang out in different circles and have different world views. Originally I’d brushed that aside and convinced myself I would work through it and learn to understand her better, but ugh.
Why am I actually so concerned about seeking the approval of one person? There are plenty of times where I’ve been very disappointed in PK’s behavior myself, and swallowed it because speaking out in the past had gotten me in the bad books. The few times speaking out was successful, it left a bitter aftertaste and made me look like a fire starter. I guess, it’s because I wanted so badly to look past her flaws and find a person I could really get along with.
I have never, in my entire life, had this much trouble getting along with a person or a group of people, and it’s a humbling experience. One that I definately intend to learn from. So for anyone who considers me a friend, please help me not to make such mistakes again. I do not want to hurt any of you.
I’m going to miss PK a lot, but for right now all I can do is wish her a happy life and a hearty thank you for giving me the inspiration to make something cool.